Calico Calico

spoiled

self intitled

careless

irresponsible

jealous

mean.

I am afraid this was a mistake.

What can I do to fix this?

makes me cry.

in a totally beautiful way.

The smell of sun soaked cedar woodchips Finding a good parking spot Feeling productive I try to think of things that make me happy as I walk to class I’m trying to calm myself before some deep seeded melancholy starts to flow through my veins. I feel nostalgic for my 16 year old self. I keep dwelling on the choices I didn’t make I insist that things happen for a reason but what if I was supposed to be a different girl with different memories and I just fucked up somewhere I saw a picture of myself as a different girl I didn’t even know it was me but I knew I wanted to know her And now it’s my job to find her even though she’s hiding.

I am one of those people who can’t forgive my drunken self and that probably means I should stop drinking.

It’s hot here, have I mentioned that before? I am sitting outside of class because I am always freakishly early. I haven’t showered and my hair thrown up into this messy bun, I wish it was one of those cute messy buns but it’s not. I keep promising myself I am going to try harder but I haven’t . I ate a brownie for breakfast I should have eaten something more nutritious but it was a damn good brownie.

This class is hot and I am early as usually. I can feel a thin layer of perspiration forming on my forehead but I ignore it and sip on my too sweet coffee. Some snickers concoction that I blurted out at the coffee cart lady when I really just wanted water. People shuffle around nervously as they wait for the teacher. I keep my head down and try not to question how it is that every other girl in this class looks perfectly put together while I do not. I try to pretend like floral scarves and flats are sophisticated but their just lazy. I miss the 50s. I know I wasn’t there but I feel like fitted sundresses and pumps would have suited me… To be continued

I dream about a boy that I have loved since I was 14. Are you fucking kidding me?!

I want to drink champagne in the middle of the afternoon while I clean my room and I do not like being told I can’t when I have the means to do so.

I don’t really know how to tell you this but you are a Leprechaun I think I realized it when we skinny dipped in the bathtub outside of your office and I saw you sit on my salt beef bucket. I’m sure you’re ill enough to understand that your driving sucks. I’m returning your toe ring to you, but I will keep the photo with the mustauche on it as a memory. You should also know that I hate your cooking and I have a passionate interest in mice.

With tears of sadness,

Calico Calico

Here’s how you do it:
Dear (Someone you’ve talked to recently),
I don’t really know how to tell you this, but (1. I think I realized it (2)(3) and I saw you (4)(5). I’m sure you’re (6) enough to understand (7). I’m returning (8) to you, but I’ll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).
(12),
(Your name)
Then tag 10 people.

1) What’s the color of your shirt?
Blue - I’m in love with your cat
Red - Our affair is over
White - I’m joining the Convent
Black -Our romance is over
Green- Our socks don’t match
Grey - You’re a leprechaun
Yellow - I’m selling myself for candy
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - Purple hedgehogs want to destroy you
Other -I dislike your eyelashes

2) Which is your birth month?
January - That night you picked your nose
February -When I quoted Forest Gump
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on peanut butter
May - When I finally changed my underwear
June - When you put cuffs on me
July – When I saw the purple monkey
August - When you smacked my ass
September - Last year when you peed your pants
October - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
November - When your dog humped my leg
December - When I threw up in your sock drawer

3) Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - In your apartment
Chicken- In your car
Pasta - Outside of your office
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad – As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Lasagna - In your closet
Kebab - With Jean Chrétien
Seafood - In a clown suit
Sandwiches - At the Elton John concert
Pizza - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a street light
Annat- With George Bush and Stephen Harper

4) What’s the color of your socks?
Yellow - Ignore
Red - Put whipped cream on
Black - Hit on
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - bite off
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the pants off of
Barefoot - Sit on
Other - Drive over

5) What’s the color of your underwear?
Black - My boyfriend
White - My father
Grey – The Catholic Priest
Brown – The Montreal Canadian’s goalie
Purple - My corned beef hash
Red – My knee caps
Blue - My salt-beef bucket
Yellow - My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange - My Blink 182 cd
Pink – Your ‘My Little Pony’ collection
Other —The elephant in the corner

6) What do you prefer to watch on TV?
One Tree Hill - Senile
Heroes- Frostbitten
Lost - High
Simpsons- Cowardly
The news - Scarred
American Idol - Masochistic
Family Guy - Open
Top Model - Middle-class
Annat -shamed
House- ill

7) Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful you are
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That I get turned on only by garbage men
Angry - That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed – That we’re related
Excited - That I may pee my pants
Nervous - The middle-east is planning their revenge on you
Worried - That your Ford sucks
Apathetic - That you need a sex-change
Silly - That I’m allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly - That Santa doesn’t exist
Ashamed - That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid
Other - That your driving sucks

8) What’s the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your toe ring
Yellow - Your love letters to me
Red - The pictures from Vegas
Black - Your pet rock
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - Your car
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your nose hair clippers
Grey - Our matching snoopy underwear
Purple - Your old New Kids on the Block blanket
Pink - The cut toenails
Other - Your Hannah Montana underwear

9) The first letter of your first name?
A/B - My virginity
C/D - Your photo with the mustache drawn on it
E/F - Your neighbors dog
G/H - The oil tank from your car
I/J - Your left ear
K/L - The results of that blood-sample
M/N - Your glass eye
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X – Your sucide note
Y/Z - Your credit cards

10) The last letter in your last name?
A/B - Love your sweet, sweet ass
C/D - Always will remember the pep talks
E/F -Never will forget that night
G/H – Will not tell the authorites that you stole the whale from the backyard.
I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L - Hate your cooking
M/N - Told in my confession today about the moose poaching
O/P - Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
Q/R - Get sick when I think of your feet
S/T - Always wanted to break your legs
U/V - Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X - Haven’t showered in a month
Y/Z – am better off without you

11) What do you prefer to drink?
Wine- Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink – I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon
Soda – I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo
Milk - The apartment building is on fire
Water – I’m scratching my butt as you read this
Cider– I have a passionate interest for mice
Juice – You ruined my attempts at another world war.
Snapple/Vitamin water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked out
Hot chocolate – Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird
Whiskey - I love Oprah Winfrey
Beer – Thanks for the Cocaine
Other – you should stop picking your nose

12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand – Warm tingly sensations
Australia - Greetings to your frog Leonard
France - Love always
Spain - With tears of sadness
China – You make me sick
Germany – Please don’t hurt me
Japan - Go milk a cow
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
USA - Best of luck on the sex change
Egypt – Kiss my ass
England - Go drown yourself

I want to be artistic but thats not going to happen now. I am also thinking that no matter what I need to blog because I promised  myself I would journal this year.

I do not know how I feel about my current living situation. I am in my room right now in my brilliant chair (even though it smells a little like ciggarette smoke, it is still brilliant) and I am afraid to come out of it.

This isn’t my home yet. F can’t understand why I still have the urge to bail. That is because he has been here for a year. This is his home. He has happy memories. I just have uncertain feelings.

I still can’t believe I am here. I did it! Now what?

It would be better if I wasn’t so flipping insecure.

I would like to make friends and better connections

and feel purposeful.

I am going to go be productive now.